U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I think my moral compass just broke
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
