Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
