Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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