please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
