if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
