I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
