Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
