I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
