That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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