Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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