I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
