I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
