They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
