now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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