A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
