I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
