If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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