There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
