Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
