your parents love me but you hate me
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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