people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
