actually, I'm a sock model
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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