Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
