oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
