She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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