everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
