Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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