The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
