We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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