I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
