I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
