literally had 100 drinks last night.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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