If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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