hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
