My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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