I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
