It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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