Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
