dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
the room spins SO much faster in panama
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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