You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
