Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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