I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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