seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
