Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
