Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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