so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
