You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
