just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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