Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
