I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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