Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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