so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
